Westlife = Murderers?

Whoever knew those nice Oirish boys could do something so wicked? In the past week they've been accused of two murders, once by the authorities involved and once by the press.

Because Westlife, you see, have killed music.

In one of the most pathetic slinging matches of the year, Westlife have beaten Oasis, U2 and The Beatles to the top of the UK album charts with The Love Album.

Everybody took a side... Elton was pro-Westlife (mostly because he chucked a tantrum when a Gallagher offended him) and Gary Barlow (Take That) was anti-Westlife. There were a few Gallagher tantrums, too, one involving a church and the proclamation that 'there is not god'.

Then there was Victoria Newton, columnist for The Sun, who made the accusation of murder. She sent an impassioned plea to readers, imploring them to please prevent the unholiest of events: The Day The Music Died. She branded them 'Pestlife', and informed us that she was 'afraid De Loife will be crowned No1 - thereby sounding the death knell for British music as we know it.'

Needless to say, and probably with some unintentional promotional help from good old Victoria, 'Pestlife' kicked the arses of those irritating Gallaghers. Music... is dead.

But not content with bringing about the downfall of British music, Westlife went one further. Yes, they have murdered... Record Of The Year.

In Heat, Vernon Kay, last year's host, told us Record Of The Year will not be taking place because 'it wasn't really fair that Westlife always won just because they've got the biggest fanbase.'

While I do agree that Westlife fans will vote for a song regardless of its quality, this comes across as a pretty petty argument. An award voted by the public will always go to the most popular candidate, not necessarily the most deserving. That's how it worked before Westlife were around, and that's how it will work afterwards. And yes, Westlife do have the bigger fanbase, but that's because more people like them, making them entirely deserving of such an award.

Not that it matters anymore. Westlife have committed a double-murder, so they're probably off to jail.

Good thing. They won't be able to run for Record Of The Year if they're incarcerated, so it can be reinstated. It's okay if some uber-popular band wins... as long as it isn't Westlife.