My Epiphany

I had an epiphany today. No, seriously, I did. If an epiphany means ‘realising something you probably already knew but were too lazy to admit.’

My epiphany, put simply, is… I don’t like moving.

Seriously. It’s true. I’m the kind of person who would rather cut back to one meal a day than actually exercise to keep my weight consistent. And I really love eating. Especially the kind of eating that includes salt and carbs. Not fussed on sugar, but give me something white and processed that used to be a potato or wheat, and I’m there!

So I thought I’d share. The top five things I love to do… with minimum movement.

1. Sit in front of my computer
This is possibly the most fun ever. All you have to do is sit down and not move anything but your hands and your eyes for… quite possibly hours. Last night I sat in front of my computer for over six hours in a row. I got up twice to go to the toilet. What did I do for six hours? What didn’t I do! I shopped, I learnt, I laughed, I socialised, I wrote, I read. It was worth every second.

2. Watch movies
I am a movie addict. My dream is to be the editor of Empire, so that I can tell everyone what movies to like. I spend at least $6 a week at Video Ezy's $1 Tuesday, while I try to cut down on my enormous list titled 'Movies I Must See!' This list goes for six pages. At the moment I’m loving King Kong and all the Superman movies. My DVD collection is a library of Burton, Jackson, Singer, Luhrmann, Lucas, and a load of stuff involving hot chicks turning into werewolves. I even think I understood Donnie Darko.

3. Watch television
So, you may say, how does television differ from the movies? Well… screw you man, I enjoy sitting in front of a screen. Plus, you can’t pay exorbitant amounts for popcorn when you watch television. Unless you’re a dickhead and don’t buy homebrand. Daytime TV is especially awesome, because you can watch it in your pyjamas, meaning you don’t have to go to the effort of actually changing into real clothes. I also like boxsets, as well as my daily dose of Dr Phil. I can waste hundreds of hours watching Queer as Folk, and can’t be stopped by ad-breaks or the end of a weekly episode.

4. Listen to music
This kind of ties in with the computer thing. I catalogue. All my music is on my computer, and all of it is organised by artist, album and genre. I have over 5500 songs. My iriver is permanently plugged into my ears. I feel weird if I can’t hear anything blasting through my eardrums. And if I don’t listen to at least one Westlife song a day, I feel dirty and guilty. I try to listen to more than that, of course, but sometimes things get in the way. I’m addicted to Ben Lee, Scissor Sisters, and The Streets at the moment. And I can listen to them while I compute! I can do two things at once and still not move!

5. Read
I like reading. It’s good because you don’t have to move while you do it, but you can expand your mind in the meantime. Admittedly, Terry Pratchett and Stephen King are not exactly Mark Twain and Shakespeare, but I like them too, so I get a reprieve from your taunts. Anyway, Terry Pratchett’s Death is the greatest literary character of all time. Yes, that’s right, I can laugh at Pratchett without moving.

So, slobs, that was your guide to fun things to do without moving. Now get out there and enjoy!

Go on… move…

No?

I have taught you well, my young padawans.