Recipe For Success

Due to the fact that Westlife are finally making their debut tour appearance in Australia, I thought it was time for another entry that doesn’t just involve me saying “Ooh! How cute are Westlife?! I love them so much!”

Yes, I’m so impressed by the fact that they’re getting off their arses that I want to honour them by putting some actual work into writing something.

So in honour of this wonderful occasion, I bring you…

How To Make A Westlife Concert.

1. First, take an empty arena and fill it with hormonal teenaged girls and their equally manic mums. This will take about twenty minutes, and will often require a second night to hold the surplus. Sometimes even a third or a fourth. Or a seventh.

2. Secure a stage. The stage must be sufficiently large enough to hold the following: four stools, four large screens, a set of stairs, and an outrageously obscure prop (eg. A lamppost, or a car)

3. Acquire a choreographer. Place both the choreographer and the band in a dance studio up to a month before the first concert, and preheat. Be prepared for the eventuality of both slow and fast numbers. Both are good, but you should not depend too heavily on either. Variety is the spice of life. If you’re not sure what spice you want, cinnamon’s always a good option. Or nutmeg. Or maybe paprika.

4. Supply up to six sets of four outfits that match, either in style or colour. Suits are generally the most accepted option. Also, make sure the clothes are fastened with Velcro – not only will this allow your band to change quickly backstage, but it will also allow the blonde ones to easily unfasten their trousers on stage. This will help your arena heat up quickly.

5. Position some lighting at the sides and top of the stage, then spread the bottom with fireworks. This will keep your band evenly roasted.

6. Add in a variety of hits, making sure that they're the most universally appetizing ones available. Be aware, though, that some people may like newer, punchier flavours, so be aware of them and don't be afraid of a little experimentation.

7. To stop the mixture getting too blended, separate it into four to six smaller parts. The easiest option is an acoustic set, a dance section, and a medley (you can use older parts from other recipes here). As well, take any leftover pieces and place them as high as you can, possibly on a walkway or suspended floor.

8. Stir, place it all in the arena, and then duck. It’s very likely the mixture will explode. It tastes better this way.