Sunday, May 14, 2006

And Aaaaaaall I Got Was Boobs!

Mariah and Westlife. Westlife and Mariah. Mariah featuring Westlife. Funny, isn't it, how a duet that's meant to boost your own flagging career can feature five someones much more famous than you? Poor Mariah, she's got her priorities wrong.

They must have gone the same way as her breasts.

Yes, this is the scariest, most breast-oriented clip of all time. Think they look weird and kind of flat on top? Like a shelf? Well, imagine two giant sacks of small rodents, squibbling this way and that, searching for food. They don't even move together. Lefty goes up and right, Righty goes down and left. It's no wonder Bryan spends half the video staring at them, and I suspect it's not because they're good. It's because they're mesmerising! They're the anatomical version of those pictures that look like two faces... then a candlestick... then two faces... You keep looking back, just to see if they've changed again. It's in the clip, and it's really obvious. They stand there, smiling, and then suddenly Bryan's eyes just... slide. And then his whole head, and you can just see a little thought bubble above his head going "Oh my god, they've moved again!"

And Mark looks like he's going to wet himself the whole video, being as massive a fan of Mariah as he is. Imagine me liking Westlife. That's how Mark loves Mariah. He once said he wants to be her cat, I kid you not.

And people didn't believe me when I said he was gay...

B-sides? None. A 'westlife only' version of the song, which is the same as the main song, but with instrumentals where Mariah should be. I like it much better than the Mariah version, but that's not saying a whole lot when you consider how much I dislike this song. It's crap. There, I said it.

And half the video has only four of them in it, cos Kian was a moron, missed the plane, and only made it for the second half of the shoot.

I like to think it was because he was hiding in his room, hands over his eyes, muttering: "They're only breasts, they're only breasts, they're only breasts..."

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