Monday, May 29, 2006

Westlife Style School

Stylists are there to make you look presentable, make you look respectable, and stop your hair looking like it's trying to eat your head. Usually, they do a decent job. But sometimes the stylist's... erm... creative vision doesn't quite match with yours. Or, worse yet, he goes AWOL and you have to muddle through it yourself, even though you really should never attempt styling without an expert. This leads to what is clinically titled a 'fashion disaster', and may result in one too many sequins, a quiff that takes on a life of its own, or (gasp!) crocheted knitwear.

Here are some of the most severe crimes against fashion, from the archives.

Never, ever, ever try to use items from your own home to finish off your outfit, unless you are a qualified professional. This includes making your shirt out of carpet. As well, check with your friends first to make sure they haven't had the same idea, otherwise you'll look completely unoriginal. If, however, you do accidentally have the same idea as your friends, don't stand next to them or you'll clash and look like a bad interior design job. Especially if your carpet has sequins.

It is a little-known fact that if two dark haired men stand next to each other, one will absorb all the other's hair pigmentation. But it's something everyone should know, so they can avoid disasters like this. If, as shown here, you and your friend don't want to be victims of looking like a block of white chocolate next to a block of dark chcolate, don't stand too close together. And certainly don't dress like a ghostbuster.

In fact, you won't have a problem after that. Dressing like a ghostbuster is the kind of fashion crime you'll get 20 years to life for. So you'll always be separated by perspex now, which is the safest option.

Just because Lindsay Lohan has flowing red locks, it doesn't mean it will look good on you. She has breasts to enhance the look. You do not. Also, do not scalp Lindsay Lohan and glue her hair onto your head. This tends to upset people. Well, some people. People that aren't called Paris, Ashlee, Mary-Kate or Scarlett. But even if they like you, they will not fancy you. No-one will fancy you. Ever.

On the upside, Adidas will pay you not to wear their stuff.

If you have a bald patch, do not style your hair to accentuate it. It is not a solar panel for a sex-machine. It does not make you look intelligent. It does not make you look like a hippy. It does not make you look like a surfer. It does not make you look like there are more important things in your life than how your hair looks. It makes you look old. This is bad. The best option is a short, spiky hairstyle that conceals it. This does not mean a comb-over, which will only accentuate your receding hairline (see right).

Some hats are what we in the industry call 'ugly'. Grandpa caps on young men are the biggest example of 'ugly' hats that we can give. Especially brown grandpa caps on young men that already have wrinkles and receding hairlines. Especially brown grandpa caps made of corduroy.

Burn it, please burn it! Before our eyes are assaulted further!

Pimps are only sexy to a very very small percentage of the community. The other percentage find them sleazy and creepy, even when the pimp is a faux pimp like yourself. The glasses are offensive to x-wing pilots, the beret is offensive to Mickey Mouse, the coat is offensive to vegetarians, the lip gloss is offensive to Pamela Anderson, and the scarf is offensive to matadors.

Pimps, especially, are very offended.

Floral maternity shirts are not attractive. At all. Even if you are at Mardi Gras. Really, with all those gay men and drag queens about, you'd think one would have at least pointed out your fashion faux pas.

I'm going to hope, for your sake, that you are there to spread the word of safe sex, and that smiley face mock is full of condoms. Otherwise, take it off right now, throw it under the nearest float, and be done with it. I don't even care if it's got your phone inside. That kind of thing needs to be disposed of immediately.

There's a reason your friends are drinking a lot. They want their vision blurred so it can't focus on that monstrosity of a shirt.

Shorts like that are only good if you never want children. Aside from the fact that they severely restrict bloodflow to your testicles, no woman will ever want to shag you. That may sound cruel, but think of it as a public service announcement. Not that we really want the kind of people who wear yellow nut-crushers to procreate anyway. It could destroy society as we know it.

Now, what have we learned today?

Stay tuned. Tomorrow, I show you a beanie that can come alive and suck your whole head into its brown, woollen mouth.


swedish_me said...

ooooh this post really cracked me up...brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Chooken, this is hilarious!!! :-D You're brilliant! I haven't read something this funny in ages ;-D Kasia88