Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Westlife Style School... The Sequel!

I have returned to dispense more important style tips! Get your notepads out, darlings, because this is important stuff! Especially if you ever feel like joining or starting a boyband. And if you don't... well, it might help you get a date. Unlike Mark, who probably never got laid while wearing those yellow shorts. Learn from their mistakes, without making your own.

First of all, as promised, I bring you the brown woollen beanie that swallows your head. I'm sure it spends its spare time as one of those swamp worms in King Kong that ate Andy Serkis' face. Notice the slight look of terror in Mark's eyes. He's thinking 'I hope this photoshoot's over fast enough that its teeth don't get a decent hold on my eyebrows'. This, of course, is a slightly glazed look, as the hat has already started sucking his brains out through his ears.

Another entry in the repartee of really ugly Westlife hats. I hope the unstyled hair they're hiding underneath these hats is really hideous, because if it's not as hideous as these hats... they might as well take them off. This specific hat comes from the South Park mall. It also doubles as a pillow for your friend (Shane is modelling this particular aspect of use). But just because it has multiple uses and keeps your ears warm, it does not mean it should worn in public. Ever.

Tying a shirt around your waist and standing on a balcony with your hands on your hips does not make you look like a superhero, no matter what you might think. There are so many things wrong with this outfit I don't know where to begin. Windswept hair only works if you're some maiden just come down from riding her stallion free across the plains. My guess is that you have not been riding a horse, even if that outfit does make you look like a girl.

Yes, obviously you want to be a girl (turning your jacket into a skirt is a dead giveaway), or you wouldn't be standing like one, or dressing like one. And the headset around your neck does not qualify as an accesory.

Now this, children, is one of the few times a hat is a good thing. The others could use one right about now. Let's start with that dolt in the middle. The one with the blond curtains that fancies himself as the next Nick Carter. He is not Nick Carter, and he is not stylish. Then onto his friend, the one with the long red hair. We've spoken about this before, lad - you are not Lindsay Lohan. Then the two down the front, who are virtually indistinguishable from each other. Here's a note to you: if your friend has an ugly haircut, it is not okay for you to mimic said ugly haircut. Especially when the dye job is as bad as it is.

Unless you're doing it to get Simon Cowell to like you. We'll forgive that.

Bald is beautiful. For some that is true, for some it isn't. So, before you go the chop-n-shave, please be aware of a few small details.
1. If you have lumpy, oddly shaped head, do not shave.
2. If you can't get it even, do not shave. There is nothing worse than looking like a mangy rat has died on your head.
3. If you have very large eyes, do not shave. You will look like E.T.
4. If you have very nice hair and it is not falling out, do not shave.
5. If your name is Mark Feehily or Nicky Byrne, do not shave.
6. If your name is Shane Filan, Brian McFadden, or Kian Egan, do not shave (just getting in on this one before it happens!)
7. If you have big ears, do not shave. You will look like a car with its doors open.
8. If in doubt, do not shave.

There's one exception to the rule, of course. If your hair looks like the picture on the right...


Tune in tomorrow when I show you how to avoid hair that makes you look like you work for Hitler.


swedish_me said...

very funny LOL but IMO u picked one of the few good piccies of baldy nix =P

Grace Suter said...

Yeah, but I needed a small one so that him and baldy mark don't take up too much space.

IMO, Mark looks delectable in that photo as well!

And they were such awful haircuts!

swedish_me said...

well i really dont like mark bein baldy... tho well at least the baldy piccie is better of mark than the last one...oooh that haircut gotta b nominated for worst haircut ever seen.. mmm n it got a big chance winning...=P

Cory Messenger said...

What if, like me, you have a 'lumpy, oddly shaped head' that doesn't look any good un-shaved either.